Talk to me

28th March 2011

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It’s happening again. That sinking feeling that begins in your chest and sticks with you the entire day. You want to cry, but you know you can’t allow yourself to. Instead you bottle it up and put on a brave face. You smile, you go through the motions of being alive. I keep wishing something would happen to me, like I would be innocently crossing the street and a car would just hit me. I feel like there’s no purpose to my existence. I feel like there’s no one I can talk to, because everyone is just going to tell me everything will be okay, but they don’t know that. They can’t guarantee it. Other people would try to tell me that I’m really a good person, that there’s no reason for these thoughts to be running in the background of my mind constantly.

I feel hopeless, I wish I was stronger. I don’t want pity, I just want solutions, I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I don’t know how to stop it.

I’m afraid. I’m really scared that I might need help.

I feel lost.

31st December 2010

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2am.

laying next to the person you’re with, in pain because  (and let’s not be coy) your pussy hurts. 

So tears start pouring down your face from the pain, so you crawl back into bed and he asks why you’re crying and you tell him the truth and he just lays there, which throws you into a … fuck I don’t even know how to describe it but basically you lay there wishing he would just reach over and cuddle you, but he won’t. Then all these thoughts pop into your mind

“was it like this with the ones before me?”
“did they cry?”
“I bet they didn’t cry”
“I’m so fucking weak”

Then you find yourself laying in a corner of the bed silently crying to yourself because you won’t say anything because everything else is going oh so well.

You need to vent so you open the laptop and find yourself wide awake at 2am in the morning with those little demons in your head yelling at you… telling you millions of horrible things you don’t want to hear.

Then you start shivering to yourself because you just want peace, you want silence, you want to be able to just close your eyes and make all the bad thoughts go away. You realize you can’t and he’s fallen asleep next to you, leaving you all alone with those horrible thoughts.

Please, just go away. I was happy before you got here.

Let me be.

I just want to be held, to feel the warmth of another person next to me, to feel that I am cared for, loved, admired. Is that so wrong?

Then it hits you… Have you been loved?

Do you even know what it feels like to be loved? It seems like all your past relationships have been filled with you giving and giving and giving with no return.

You give away 90% of yourself to someone else, but can you even remember what it feels like to be caressed, to be touched with pure love, to have someone just hold you in their arms without any expectations or regrets?

Has everyone just used you?

Are you only good for sex?

You take a sip of water, realizing the voices in your head can’t be silenced like thirst can, with the simplicity of a sip of water.

Is something wrong with me?

Am I ok?

… Maybe I just needed to vent.

21st December 2010

Post reblogged from ¡melina! with 182,370 notes

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for our age. Reblog this if you’re there to listen to anyone who needs to talk.

Source: iwantmypinkshirtbackkk

14th December 2010

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I’d just like to be held once, not because you want to, not because you feel it’s only fair or it’s what you should do.

Just because I crave affection, I crave human contact.

I crave your warmth.

I want to fall asleep in your arms and know that when I wake up you’ll still be there.

I’m tired of waking up to an empty bed, of knowing that if I move to the side of the bed you were laying on, it will be cold, leaving me to wonder what time you woke up at and decided this was no longer beneficial for you.

I’m tired of being so easy to leave.