laying next to the person you’re with, in pain because (and let’s not be coy) your pussy hurts.
So tears start pouring down your face from the pain, so you crawl back into bed and he asks why you’re crying and you tell him the truth and he just lays there, which throws you into a … fuck I don’t even know how to describe it but basically you lay there wishing he would just reach over and cuddle you, but he won’t. Then all these thoughts pop into your mind
“was it like this with the ones before me?”
“did they cry?”
“I bet they didn’t cry”
“I’m so fucking weak”
Then you find yourself laying in a corner of the bed silently crying to yourself because you won’t say anything because everything else is going oh so well.
You need to vent so you open the laptop and find yourself wide awake at 2am in the morning with those little demons in your head yelling at you… telling you millions of horrible things you don’t want to hear.
Then you start shivering to yourself because you just want peace, you want silence, you want to be able to just close your eyes and make all the bad thoughts go away. You realize you can’t and he’s fallen asleep next to you, leaving you all alone with those horrible thoughts.
Please, just go away. I was happy before you got here.
Let me be.
I just want to be held, to feel the warmth of another person next to me, to feel that I am cared for, loved, admired. Is that so wrong?
Then it hits you… Have you been loved?
Do you even know what it feels like to be loved? It seems like all your past relationships have been filled with you giving and giving and giving with no return.
You give away 90% of yourself to someone else, but can you even remember what it feels like to be caressed, to be touched with pure love, to have someone just hold you in their arms without any expectations or regrets?
Has everyone just used you?
Are you only good for sex?
You take a sip of water, realizing the voices in your head can’t be silenced like thirst can, with the simplicity of a sip of water.
Is something wrong with me?
Am I ok?
… Maybe I just needed to vent.
